The legal its and bits
You’ve made it to the part where we tell you what we do with the personal information you provide and what we are doing about your privacy.
Let’s chat about it…
Something is not right. Where am I?
* voice of Gandalf *
Whoopsies. We thought you might have known. Anyways, he is a wizard in a fiction novel. A mighty one.
Oh, snap, they know my little secret. Gotta go undercover.
Oh, I know what this is. But I was expecting something wordy, black and white.
Oh no, no. We don’t do that here.
I am curious. Why not?
Well, for three reasons.
- We respect your privacy
- And we are legally required to have it
Wait. Wait. We know what you’re thinking (telekinetic powers). Even if there was no legal requirement, would we still have one? You betcha we will. You’re our family. And, family always comes first.
I am honoured.
So are we 🙂
I want to tell you a secret.
We’re all ears.
Privacy Policies always disappoint me. But yours, yours is different.
Yay! We love you. And you rock!
I should share this with my friends.
Aah! We sure do like the thought of that. Might we suggest adding the hashtags
Woah! That was fast. Power-user eh?
Now what? Should I read it further?
Yes, please. We will be with you till the end. BFFs?
Isn’t it too quick to be BFFs? Let this friendship mature; after that, sure, we can be BFFs.
Such a mature person. Any questions?
Yeap! More than one, actually.
Finally! Keep them coming. We’re free. We completed all our tasks early. We’re early birds.
Do Privacy Policies change, and will yours?
Yes. Privacy Policies change as the services and portfolios of businesses change. The term used for that is ‘updating’. These updates are mostly good for you (customers). It lets you stay informed about what data is collected about you and what are your rights. Oh, and by the way, sometimes we make mistakes (bummer). We then have to correct our errors in the policy (also called ‘updating). Please don’t sue us for that 🙁
Haha. Fine with me.
Sure we will. But hey, we need a way to communicate that to you, don’t we? A banner on the main page would be nice. It’ll work.
I like it too. But what if I need to keep myself updated without going to the website? I am a busy person, you know.
We’re a family, so I’m sure I can trust you. Where should I sign up?
And what’s with that ‘should you be worried’ thing?
Oh, that. Let’s say if we ever get bought out by Google, we will put a red flag on this website and email you as well. It’ll be called ‘Abandon ship mateys’. We hope Google doesn’t see this 😉
Dream on. Just kidding!
If you like this one, you’ll also enjoy the updates.
Seriously, what if I don’t?
We wish it never happens, but sadly we will have to part ways. But hey, don’t be sad. We’ll still be friends. Just not the ones who can do business with each other. We hope you find a great replacement.
Oh. Let me cheer you up. What if I love the updates?
Then keep using our website, buddy. Browse it, read our wonderful blogs, and keep using our services. Thanks for cheering us up. We owe you.
Ok, what’s next? Or is it the end?
We still have a lot to tell you. Now. Ahem.
* clears throat *
Ooo. I don’t like the sound of that.
* Lawyer accent *
We (“ENOU Labs”) will explain to you (“you”) how we (“ENOU”) treat the personal information (“Personal Information”) we collect from visitors (“Visitors”).
What!?! Why is ENOU capitalized? What is “Personal Information”? What’s with the quotation marks? And why are you making a lousy lawyer accent?
Let us explain. Apologies for my bad accent aaagain. I do like to imitate. One day I’ll surely get there.
We use quotation marks, so there’s no ambiguity in what and whom we refer to. Nothing more.
ENOU is the name of our company, and it’s not capitalized by mistake. It’s just the way it is. You can call us ENOU if you like. Good effort, though, for keeping an eye on our typos. “Personal Information” or personally identifiable information (PII) is any information that can make you stand out (identified) from the crowd. Information that is not publicly available. Want some delicious pii?
I see. Tell me some examples… hey wait a minute. I see what you did there. You knew I was going to ask about examples of PII, and you framed it funnily. I’m impressed.
That’s all why we’re here. To Impress you 🙂
Personally identifiable information (PII) includes:
- Email address
- Home address
- Phone number
- Social Security Number
- IP address
Woah camel. Woah!
Hahaha. Yosemite Sam. Good reference (By the way we Googled it). So you got a gist of what personal information is.
You forgot to ask one thing.
Visitor? Someone who visits a website. Like me visiting your hilarious website.
* In shock *
How did you know?
You’re not the only one with telekinetic powers.
Haha. Touché. Fair enough.
ENOU, can you explain to me what this IP address is? I could Google it as you did, but what’s the fun in that?
We don’t mind. We love to chat anyways. Thanks for calling us by our name.
Just like your home address and phone number, you have what’s called an Internet Protocol (IP) address while using the internet. They are just a bunch of numbers (e.g. 192.168.15). If you want to chat with ENOU, you must know its IP address. Once known, you can share and receive whatever you want. Simple.
How we protect and use what we collect from our visitors
Frankly speaking, ENOU, what do you do with all this? Just being curious.
It’s your right to know. We’re glad you brought it up. So, whatever personal information we collect about you (visitor), we use it for four things:
- To respond to inquiries (Any questions? Ask us),
- To improve our service (We strive for constant improvement),
- To customize our cool website’s user experience (How good an interaction you have with us?).
I am letting it sink in for a moment.
Take your time. No pressure. You can remember what we do with your data using the mnemonic RISC. Respond, Improve, Send, and Customize your experience in the best possible way.
How creative and RISCY! Pun intended.
Good stuff 😉
So, ENOU, now that I know what you do with the data you collect. Can you tell me what you specifically don’t do with it? Please don’t judge my grammar.
We understand you well, and we believe it’s a great question. We sell, rent or share the personal information we collect with other companies.
Woah! Are you serious?
Nope. We are bluffing. How could we? Family always comes first. Never forget that 🙂 It was a typo. Got you good. Didn’t we?
Phew! Sigh of relief. And don’t ever do that again.
We don’t, and we won’t sell, rent or share the personal information we collect with other affiliated and non-affiliated companies.
Love your enthusiasm. Is that with no strings attached?
Just a wee bit. There are exceptions to this. Please don’t be too quick to judge.
Suppose you provide us with payment information when you avail our services. In that case, we have to submit your payment information to a third-party payment processor (this is a security requirement, and we can’t skip it). That payment processor collects, stores and processes your credit card information and other payment information provided on our behalf. We are no experts on financial transactions, so we have to rely on them; otherwise, we would have been rocking Wall Street. But they do implement best industry practices. So, it is safe. If we can trust them, so can you.
We must comply if disclosing the information is necessary to investigate or prevent any illegal activities. And we know neither you nor we are criminals. The chances are improbable.
If we are sent a subpoena or a court order to share the information we have collected. We have to comply as well. But this is usually specific to an individual account, not the whole database. And suppose we are dealing with a situation where legal claims are made against us (we know you wouldn’t). In that case, we will have to share the information to protect our credibility and prove our innocence.
If you specifically and explicitly request that we share the Personal Information, you have provided us (We can’t resist declining you).
If ENOU merges with another company or is acquired by another company (let’s say Google). We would then have to share the information with them as we will be a single entity.
That was a mouthful. You went lawyer on me again 🙂 And what’s with you and Google?
Yeah. Sometimes we have to. We hope you understand. As far as Google goes, it is an excellent example for explaining stuff. Nothing personal.
Or is it?
* dramatic music playing *
Dun. Dun. Dun.
I did understand it. But how can I know about this?
We will ensure that you, as our customer, get a fair chance to get prior notification about any such disclosure of information.
Any request other than this will not be entertained by us, and we will bring in reinforcements to defend your data to the end. Even pull the plug on our services if the need arises like Lavabit. So, are we good?
Just imagining how epic that battle would look like. Aaaaah.
We just hope it never comes. But we are prepared.
That’s how you protect my information but what about within your company?
Within our company, we use the principle of least privilege (PoLP). It’s a big word but an exciting strategy. The CIA uses this. How cool is that? They copied it from us 😉 Employees only know what they need to know. All the information is treated as confidential. This results in fewer chances of user data being accessed and misused.
And not only that, we only induct employees that have good ethics. It makes us and you feel safer.
I am sold.
One more thing.
What happens to my data if I’m not from the United States? It is a big world, after all.
What do we collect and when?
So, ENOU, what specific information do you collect about me? I am only asking about myself.
* in an evil Darkseid accent *
We know who you are and where you are. Mwahaha!
Name: Peter Parker, aged 25
Location: Palo Alto, San Francisco, California.
IP address: 184.108.40.206
Another prank of yours?
You betcha, but an elaborate one. One day there just might come a Peter and fall for it. But don’t ask us what spidey is doing in Cali. We don’t know either. Might have just landed his dream job.
We object, your honor.
We have male representation here as well.
Got a taste of your own medicine then.
Sorry, I suppose. This was the last time 🙂
Okay. I forgive you.
Thanks. By the way, you can get a good idea about our preferences from just this chat. What kind of things and fiction do we like? This can be used to predict people’s behavior and general liking. It’s called profiling. We don’t do it to our customers. It’s unprofessional and unethical.
Man, I am learning a lot of new stuff.
Let us tell you even more.
Basically, we know and store just three types of things:
Firstly, there’s the stuff you send us using the contact forms on our site — your name, your email address, and whatever else you choose (If you think something is unnecessary, by all means skip it).
Finally, there are things that your browser tells us. Frankly speaking, that’s how the internet works and not your browser’s fault. So, don’t spank him; it is innocent. Your browser shares the following information:
- IP address
- Software and hardware attributes
- The requested pages
- The data from our cookie
No, no. Wait. We are not talking about those scrumptious delicacies you eat with a glass of creamy milk.
You made me hungry. Not fair!
Sorry, bud. Where were we? Cookies are small files stored on your computer. They are the things that allow you to stay logged in to a website. But, they are not limited to that. They can be used to store other information, such as your preferences. So we don’t have to ask you every time. Feels terrible when some websites do that? Eh?
But what if I am full?
If you don’t want cookies, you can just go to your browser settings and disable websites from storing those delicious cookies on your computer. Problem solved.
We use them for two things. Keep track of your preferences (the ones you have told us about) and deliver ads to you (sometimes).
And you don’t eat them?
Yes, we do. But not these ones.
Anything else I should know about?
“Always [welcome]”, was ENOU’s reply.
Harry Potter fans. Aha.
Yeap. And you?
Your rights regarding your personal information
What are my rights here?
You have the right to see all the information you have provided us and the right to demand the deletion of all the data we have collected about you. All within a reasonable time.
I am a Californian.
That makes you special. How’s life going, by the way? According to California’s privacy law, we must provide Californians with any personal information we might have disclosed to third parties for direct marketing purposes and their names. But, these kinds of requests can only be made once a year.
Is ENOU safe for kids?
Well, our service is not usually addressed to individuals under 18. It is safe to use if that’s what you are asking about. Also, we try our best not to knowingly collect any personal information from minors. If we get to know about it or if you as a parent are concerned, communicate to us, and we will make sure all that information sees the incinerator quickly.
You have thought about everything. Haven’t you?
Yes. Indeed. We love to be thorough. Are you not entertained?
100% Wait… Isn’t that a Gladiator reference?
Ahem. Yeap. You know what. We make great friends. We both understand each other.
Thank YOU for taking the time out of your busy life to read it.
Consider me your fan. I would like to give you suggestions if I find something interesting regarding privacy policies. What to do then?
You know what? You just made our day. Bless you!