The legal its and bits

Frankly speaking, ENOU, what do you do with all this? Just being curious.

It’s your right to know. We’re glad you brought it up. So, whatever personal information we collect about you (visitor), we use it for four things:

• To respond to inquiries (Any questions? Ask us),
• To improve our service (We strive for constant improvement),
• To send newsletters (Privacy Policy newsletters included) to those who register and
• To customize our cool website’s user experience (How good an interaction you have with us?).

I am letting it sink in for a moment.

Take your time. No pressure. You can remember what we do with your data using the mnemonic RISC. Respond, Improve, Send, and Customize your experience in the best possible way.

How creative and RISCY! Pun intended.

Good stuff 😉

So, ENOU, now that I know what you do with the data you collect. Can you tell me what you specifically don’t do with it? Please don’t judge my grammar.

We understand you well, and we believe it’s a great question. We sell, rent or share the personal information we collect with other companies.

Woah! Are you serious?

Nope. We are bluffing. How could we? Family always comes first. Never forget that 🙂 It was a typo. Got you good. Didn’t we?

Phew! Sigh of relief. And don’t ever do that again.

We don’t, and we won’t sell, rent or share the personal information we collect with other affiliated and non-affiliated companies.

Love your enthusiasm. Is that with no strings attached?

Just a wee bit. There are exceptions to this. Please don’t be too quick to judge.

Suppose you provide us with payment information when you avail our services. In that case, we have to submit your payment information to a third-party payment processor (this is a security requirement, and we can’t skip it). That payment processor collects, stores and processes your credit card information and other payment information provided on our behalf. We are no experts on financial transactions, so we have to rely on them; otherwise, we would have been rocking Wall Street. But they do implement best industry practices. So, it is safe. If we can trust them, so can you. 

We must comply if disclosing the information is necessary to investigate or prevent any illegal activities. And we know neither you nor we are criminals. The chances are improbable.

If we are sent a subpoena or a court order to share the information we have collected. We have to comply as well. But this is usually specific to an individual account, not the whole database. And suppose we are dealing with a situation where legal claims are made against us (we know you wouldn’t). In that case, we will have to share the information to protect our credibility and prove our innocence.

If you specifically and explicitly request that we share the Personal Information, you have provided us (We can’t resist declining you).

If ENOU merges with another company or is acquired by another company (let’s say Google). We would then have to share the information with them as we will be a single entity.

That was a mouthful. You went lawyer on me again 🙂 And what’s with you and Google?

Yeah. Sometimes we have to. We hope you understand. As far as Google goes, it is an excellent example for explaining stuff. Nothing personal.

Or is it?

* dramatic music playing *
Dun. Dun. Dun.
Just kidding.

I did understand it. But how can I know about this? 

We will ensure that you, as our customer, get a fair chance to get prior notification about any such disclosure of information.

Any request other than this will not be entertained by us, and we will bring in reinforcements to defend your data to the end. Even pull the plug on our services if the need arises like Lavabit. So, are we good?

Just imagining how epic that battle would look like. Aaaaah.

🙂 

We just hope it never comes. But we are prepared.

That’s how you protect my information but what about within your company?

Within our company, we use the principle of least privilege (PoLP). It’s a big word but an exciting strategy. The CIA uses this. How cool is that? They copied it from us 😉 Employees only know what they need to know. All the information is treated as confidential. This results in fewer chances of user data being accessed and misused.

And not only that, we only induct employees that have good ethics. It makes us and you feel safer.

I am sold.

Thanks.

One more thing.

Yes, dear?

What happens to my data if I’m not from the United States? It is a big world, after all.

Yes, indeed. We see what bothers you. Your personal information might be taking a long ride on the internet, going from one country to another. These countries might not have as strong privacy and data protection laws as your own country. Even with your data’s movement, your personal information will always be governed by this Privacy Policy. Period.

So, ENOU, what specific information do you collect about me? I am only asking about myself.

* in an evil Darkseid accent *
We know who you are and where you are. Mwahaha!

Name: Peter Parker, aged 25
Location: Palo Alto, San Francisco, California.
Browser: Chrome
IP address: 172.155.32.11
OS: Windows

Another prank of yours?

You betcha, but an elaborate one. One day there just might come a Peter and fall for it. But don’t ask us what spidey is doing in Cali. We don’t know either. Might have just landed his dream job.

Drama Queen.

We object, your honor.

Why so?

We have male representation here as well.

Got a taste of your own medicine then.

Sorry, I suppose. This was the last time 🙂

Okay. I forgive you.

Thanks. By the way, you can get a good idea about our preferences from just this chat. What kind of things and fiction do we like? This can be used to predict people’s behavior and general liking. It’s called profiling. We don’t do it to our customers. It’s unprofessional and unethical.

Man, I am learning a lot of new stuff.

Let us tell you even more.

Basically, we know and store just three types of things:

Firstly, there’s the stuff you send us using the contact forms on our site — your name, your email address, and whatever else you choose (If you think something is unnecessary, by all means skip it).

Then comes the payment information. This is only shared with us when you purchase something from us (We have a lot of great stuff to offer, are you up for it?). This information includes your billing and shipping address, payment information, credit card number, security code and expiration date. If you wish to avoid this, there is a solution to this. Use privacy.com. It allows you to buy stuff online without websites and companies ever coming to know about your account details. Seems fun? Do give it a try, but after reading this Privacy Policy 🙂

Finally, there are things that your browser tells us. Frankly speaking, that’s how the internet works and not your browser’s fault. So, don’t spank him; it is innocent. Your browser shares the following information:

• IP address
• Software and hardware attributes
• The requested pages
• The data from our cookie

Cookies. Delicious!

No, no. Wait. We are not talking about those scrumptious delicacies you eat with a glass of creamy milk.

You made me hungry. Not fair!

Sorry, bud. Where were we? Cookies are small files stored on your computer. They are the things that allow you to stay logged in to a website. But, they are not limited to that. They can be used to store other information, such as your preferences. So we don’t have to ask you every time. Feels terrible when some websites do that? Eh?

But what if I am full?

If you don’t want cookies, you can just go to your browser settings and disable websites from storing those delicious cookies on your computer. Problem solved.

What do you use cookies for?

We use them for two things. Keep track of your preferences (the ones you have told us about) and deliver ads to you (sometimes).

And you don’t eat them?

Yes, we do. But not these ones.

Anything else I should know about?

Two actually. We want to understand what visitors (you) do on our website. We don’t have someone at our disposal 24/7 to do this on our behalf. So, “Google Analytics” seemed a reasonable choice. Google Analytics’ privacy policy can be found at Google Privacy & Terms. You can opt out of this by installing the Google Analytics opt-out browser add-on. We also use the Smush plugin to compress and optimize images. You wouldn’t want to wait hours just trying to load a webpage? Wouldn’t you? Smush plugin’s privacy policy can be found at Who We Are. 

And by the power vested in us, we declare that these privacy policies are now a part of ENOU’s Privacy Policy.

Amazing.

“Always [welcome]”, was ENOU’s reply.

Harry Potter fans. Aha.

Yeap. And you?

Me too.

🙂

What are my rights here?

You have the right to see all the information you have provided us and the right to demand the deletion of all the data we have collected about you. All within a reasonable time.

I am a Californian.

That makes you special. How’s life going, by the way? According to California’s privacy law, we must provide Californians with any personal information we might have disclosed to third parties for direct marketing purposes and their names. But, these kinds of requests can only be made once a year.

Is ENOU safe for kids?

Well, our service is not usually addressed to individuals under 18. It is safe to use if that’s what you are asking about. Also, we try our best not to knowingly collect any personal information from minors. If we get to know about it or if you as a parent are concerned, communicate to us, and we will make sure all that information sees the incinerator quickly.

You have thought about everything. Haven’t you?

Yes. Indeed. We love to be thorough. Are you not entertained?

100% Wait… Isn’t that a Gladiator reference?

Ahem. Yeap. You know what. We make great friends. We both understand each other.

I know. Thanks for this wonderful Privacy Policy with a twist.

Thank YOU for taking the time out of your busy life to read it.

Consider me your fan. I would like to give you suggestions if I find something interesting regarding privacy policies. What to do then?

You know what? You just made our day. Bless you!

If you have any queries regarding our Privacy Policy or suggestions for us, drop us an email at:

hello@enou.co

Ciao!